It's Her Party and She'll Cry If She Wants To

Lily has spoken:

And her will? It has been made KNOWN.

Here's the thing, apparently Lily is punishing me for what? I'm not sure. But I have my sneaking suspicion it has a little to do with the fact that I'm not right by her side 24 hours of the day.

Ever since Romeo left with Charlie so they could "follow their dreams" - whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean - Lily has been getting more and more anxious when I leave to go to work. It reached a boiling point when she returned from being kennelled at the vet over the holidays. She refused to go in her crate when it was time for me to go, and I had to pick her up and force her in there. (Which NO, BAAAAD TWEETS. And yes, I know that now, thank you very much Mr. McSmartypants Dog Owner at the dog park.) Last week, I put her in her crate she started to shake violently. And the barking, oh the barking. Loud and horrific pleas for her Mama TO NOT LEAVE HER. My heart broke into about a thousand pieces because I? Was clearly the worst pet owner ever and if I could this to a dog how could I ever handle children. WAH WAH WAH.

Not only was Lily's anxiety affecting me, but it was taking it's toll on her as well. She woke up one morning and puked on the bedroom floor. (I was like HA you're not the first one!) Another morning she had explosive diarrhea that shot out of her ass twenty feet across the courtyard. Plus the barking was starting to annoy The Neighbor. And the last thing I wanted, and what I feared the most, was that the apartment people would make me choose my dog or risk eviction.

So both of us decided to come up with a plan. I worked to reassure her that I wasn't going to abandon her. This mostly involved me leaving for random amounts of time in order to fool her into never knowing when I'd return. It takes me 45 minutes to leave the house now, but BY GOD Lily doesn't know if I will return in 5 minutes or 5 hours. MUWHAHA HA! I also decided to put Lily in my bedroom during the day because her crate is like one big Vietnam flashback for her right now. Then I promised her that I would get up a little earlier so we could take a short walk together while she finds the Ultimate Place to Poop. She promised me that she wouldn't get me evicted.

(The first time I left her in my room I tried to hide everything that I thought she would get into. Unfortunately, I forgot the roses that were on my nightstand. I came home to find that Lily had shredded 18 red roses across my room. Had she lit candles too it would have been the perfect romantic evening.)

But now it appears as if she's growing bored with the bedroom. Wednesday I came home to the picture above. It's what is left of a TV antenna box. She completely devoured it into a million little pieces. I think it's because she secretly hates that I make her listen to NPR all day, but Mommy secretly hates dumb dogs. I'm waiting for her to come up to me and say, "You know what? They should just confirm this old Alito coot, I'm sick of listening to the hearings. They're BOOOOOOORING."

Sometimes I feel like she is an overbearing girlfriend, the kind that has to know where you are and what you're doing every minute of every day. If she had opposable thumbs and could dial the phone, I know she would be calling me every ten minutes and saying "What do you mean you HAVE to work? Who is this Kat person you're always talking about? Do you think she's prettier than me? YOU THINK SHE'S PRETTIER THAN ME DON'T YOU!"

But no one is prettier than Miss Pixie Lily Pooter-Bauer, that's just craziness.