Is This Burning an Olympic Flame?

Do you have it? The Olympic fever!

To quote Ashlee Simpson: I "L-O-L-O-L-O-V-E, L-O-L-O-L-O-V-E!" the Olympics. (hells yes, I just quoted Ashlee Simpson, suck it) I don't care if it's the Summer or Winter, but every two years I get all caught up in that competitive spirit and unbreakable courage that is the over-produced and over-hyped world of the Olympics. I cry like a baby every time they do one of those segments on what it's like to grow up in Russia/Serbia/Trenton, NJ with only some bread/your orphaned brother/million dollar sponsorships and your measly figure skates to get you through all the hardships of life as an athlete.

I'm such a sucker.

And I don't know if it's the fact that I didn't grow up around winter sports, but whenever I watch the Winter Olympics most of the time I think to myself: Dude, I could totally do that.

Speed skating? Sure no problem. You should have seen me in the 7th grade when my shuffle skate was second to none.

Luge or Bobsled? Pfft, riding on a sled? Yeah, I got that one down. You see, I'm from the south, and when it snowed down here we grabbed whatever we could find to use as a sled. So I've flown down many a drainage ditch on inner tubes, air mattresses and even cafeteria trays ten times faster than some fancy high tech luge.

Curling? Ha, don't make me laugh. I'm proud to say that in my long and illustrious career on the Tour De Dive Bars, I have only been defeated once in shuffle board. And well, curling is just shuffle board on ice – so go ahead and give me the GOLD.

Figure skating? What do you need grace, beauty and athleticism? Hell two out three will get you a silver medal, just ask Tonya Harding.

Ski Moguls? Bounce bounce bounce? Sure I'll take that one too.

And then I remember the first time I tried to ski. And the fact I can't even stand up in figure skates without breaking a hip. And I refuse to participate in any sport that requires a bodysuit for a uniform. (Those things are flattering on exactly no one. And my eye is usually automatically drawn to one's down there delicate area.)

But still, the luge? C'mon.

See you in 2010.